hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Couch. On fire.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
