I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
