I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
