My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
