Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
