Can i not drive my cunt home
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
