I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
