ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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