if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
