he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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