I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
