The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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