This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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