I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
