I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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