hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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