I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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