yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
