I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
