did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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