Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
