im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
