we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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