wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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