she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
