I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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