remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
