a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Can I color on your dick again?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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