Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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