How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I believe in your delicious
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
