Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
