im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
