9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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