i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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