nutella sex= disaster
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
