I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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