Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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