a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
