Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
