Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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