he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
