Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
