either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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