I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
