am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
