uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
