Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
