note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
