You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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