i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
