Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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