Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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